Skronker

I’m perplexed and annoyed by the current common usage of the term “comeback.” Take, for example, Britney Spears’ Womanizer. Why does the media keep referring to this single as a “comeback”? Britney released an album LAST YEAR. And three singles. One of which made it into the top ten. Yes, her latest single is her first #1 hit since Hit Me Baby One More Time (even though Piece of Me truly deserved to do better than it did – That is a great song and a far superior one to Womanizer), which may be why people are referring to this as a “comeback” but they also referred to the previous album as a “comeback.”

To come back don’t you first have to go away? B-Spea never went anywhere. Well, maybe LaLa Land, but the cameras were with her every step of the way. So, it’s like she never left. 

Is this just lazy writing and reporting or a result or the acceleration of culture or both?

Now, if Chinese Democracy (due, Nov. 23, 2008) is any good, THAT will be a comeback. Guns N’ Roses being one of my favourite bands of all time, I’m  NERVOUS about the release and can’t help but think it might have been better to wait for Chinese democracy to become a reality before making Chinese Democracy a reality.

No matter what Axl does he can’t win. Unless this album is truly amazing in a way that I can’t imagine, and the tracks I’ve heard don’t seem to indicate that this is the case, the critics are going to rip him to shreds. And I just love him too much (God help me I do!) not be a little upset by this.

Other examples of albums that have been referred to as “comebacks”

AC/DC, Black Ice (2008): It has been 8 years since the release of Stiff Upper Lip but is that not a reasonable amount of time to take between records for dudes in their 60s? And they didn’t drop off the radar and have played Toronto in the interim.

Is it a comeback? No.

Eminem, Relapse (due – Dec 1, 2008): It has only been four years since Eminem took a hiatus. But he was such a force on the hip hop scene that his absence was notable. I often said to myself “I wonder what Eminem is up to.” Therefore,

Is it a comeback? Yes.

Lily Allen, It’s Not Me, It’s You (due – Feb. 10, 2009): Lily’s Smile came out in 2006 so, that’s 3 years between records but she’s been in the tabloids so much I feel like she’s in my living room. And she did a collaboration with Common.

Is it a comeback? No.

Michael Jackson, maybe releasing an album in 2009: Michael looks pretty illin’ these days and I’m not sure I buy the promise of an album but word is that he is recording or has recorded one in Vegas. If he does make it, chances that it will be any good are impossible to estimate. He last toured in 1996 and last released a studio album in 2001. Michael has, however, remained in the news as we wait for his bits to fall off and try to remember the guy who recorded Thriller.

Will it be a comeback? How does your cat always know to lie on the page you were reading? 

Grace Jones, Hurricane, (Oct. 27, 2008): I have a friend who was very seriously considering embarking on a documentary project to find out what Grace Jones is up to these days. When I told him she was releasing a comeback album he said, “So much for that idea.” Her last record came out in 1989. She’s 60.

Is it a comeback? Yes.

And, in the spirit of skronker, let’s have a look at Grace, shall we? We shall. Welcome to my arty. Live in France much? She must live in France. Psst. Pay close attention to the 3:25 mark. It’s Jennifer Beals!  

Ruhmember Pete Burns from Dead or Alive? Not a bad looking guy right?

Well, I don’t know where I’ve been – because he was apparently on Big Brother so this look isn’t news per se – but it wasn’t until pretty recently that I learned that the once rather chisel faced male Pete now looks like a rather unfortunate female Pete.

You know, like one of those girls who moved to Hollywood from Cornfritter VA, (pop. 534) all full of big screen dreams of becoming a serious actress but wound up stripping/hooking/doing porn/all three until bagging an available self made gazillionaire, landing the role of trophy wife and going berserk on the plastic surgery because she was a) bored out of her skull sitting by a Beverly Hills pool sipping Harvey Wallbangers all day and b) terrified Woodford Moneybags Esq. was going to ditch her for a younger, hotter model and she’d have to go back to smoking poles for a living at the age of 56.

But THEN Woodford got kind of grossed out by how far she’d gone to look younger and how terribly it all turned out even though it was ALL TO PLEASE HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE (though she still became sort of a frigid bitch after the first year of matrimonial bliss and they hadn’t done it in ages) because he made it clear from the beginning that her beauty was immensely important to him and he was also quite disgusted with himself over the whole situation so he DID go out and replace her with that younger, less vacuum packed and pumped version who will become the fourth Mrs. Moneybags (Number one, shared a basement apartment with him in the early days until she realized he was no longer the idealistic, romantic dreamer she once loved and she didn’t even KNOW HIM ANYMORE! And number two took the kids and ran off with his former business partner and best friend).

So Mrs. Moneybags number three finds herself living in a one bedroom apartment wishing she had gotten a goddamn prenup, getting even more surgery and trolling the hotel bars in the hopes of landing herself another rich husband and so, she winds up looking like this.

Except THAT is Pete Burns. Word is that he’s getting a settlement from the plastic surgeon who botched his lip job and he could get as much as $2million. The scariest part of this story: “Mr Burns, 49, has said: ‘It has taken away my life and my career. I saw doctors in London who said the only option was to amputate my lips. I was suicidal.’” AMPUTATE HIS LIPS???  Yikes.

Here’s what he looks like performing these days.

The song was apparently covered by Jessica Simpson. Odd. There was another cover version by Dope, which is apparently often mistakenly attributed to Marilyn Manson and featured in the movie American Psycho.

Speaking of which, American Psycho was the inspiration for Kanye West’s recent video Love Lockdown. What? You don’t remember the African tribal warrior scenes in American Psycho? What’s wrong with you?

Cruising Fark.com, came across this video of Nena and Kim Wilde, from 2003. It’s a fabulous Euro synth pop overload with Nena’s outfit clearly courtesy of Das Leather Barn and maybe some suggested middle-aged pseudo Euro-lesbian suggestion (or maybe I’m imagining that). This is what happens when the women who brought you Kids in America and 99 Luftballoons hit their mid forties. And Kim Wilde is still pretty adorable.

But here’s the thing about this discovery. I was CERTAIN that Nena was dead. I have no idea where I got this idea and am pleased as punch to learn that she is not but why did I think that??? It’s so weird.

My husband thinks maybe I got her confused with Falco, who died in a car crash in 1998. “You know,” he said. “They’re German and they each have one name.” But I’ve always known the difference between Nena and Falco.

So, I started thinking about which eighties stars have died. I know I wouldn’t confuse Nena with Robert Palmer but I did come up with Laura Branigan, who died of a brain aneurism in 2004. And I feel as though I thought Nena died about four years ago and, while I didn’t have any idea HOW she was supposed to have died I think maybe I thought it was a brain aneurism.

So, I’m thinking maybe someone got Laura Branigan confused with Nena in conversation and told me the news which I would have had no reason to doubt and I probably would have thought “Wow! Laura Branigan AND Nena? Two eighties pop stars and two brain aneurisms? That’s so odd!” when really it was just a mistake. Because I really can’t think of any other plausible explanation. Unless someone was just messing with me, like when, in the early nineties my boyfriend at the time told me Annie Lennox had died, just to see if I’d buy it. I never got the purpose of that experiment.

Of course, I had to look up the year Laura Branigan died and on her Wikipedia page read that Self Control was originally banned from MTV in 1984 for being too sexy.

A verification search took me to her memorial site which states that Self Control was the FIRST video to be banned from MTV. I dunno about that. I’d always thought that the first video to be banned from MTV was Duran Duran’s Girls on Film in 1981, which makes more sense because A) it was earlier and B) there’s boobs.

Apparently there are people out there who believe Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time is also a contender for 1^st banned video. There was some censorship due to some outfit issues (she’s wearing fishnet biker shorts with attached garters and a leather crotch strap/nipple suit. It’s not difficult to see why she’s such a drag icon but it is amusing to watch the sailors go bananasin their little white sujits) but I still think Duran Duran holds the honour. 

There might still have been boobs in the original Self Control video. Apparently an edited version was aired. I don’t know if this is the original or the edited version.

One interesting thing though is that the director seemed to think covering the sound studio floor with black rubber would make for a convincing enough “street in the night.” It’s one step up from taping down garbage bags.

That director, interestingly, was William Friedkin, director of The Exorcist and The French Connection. Friedkin made his directorial debut with Good Times, a 1967 musical starring Sonny and Cher (in addition to a 70s sitcom and a Kool & The Gang album).  

Of course, we won’t find Self Control overly sexy these days. I think it might have been the “orgy” scene that was deemed objectionable, which is amusing because it’s just a bunch of dancers in leotards rolling all over each other.

Speaking of orgies, this sent me looking to see if I could find the orgy scene from the 1979 movie Caligula, starring Malcolm McDowell, written by Gore Vidal and directed by Penthouse founder Bob Guccione. I had heard all about this filthy scene in which people are giving real tromboners but the copy I rented must have been an edited version because it was missing (there are 13 or so different edits floating around). So I went looking for it online but came up with nothing. Found this though. Just an average afternoon for Caligula — beheading your subjects with a GIANT MACHINE while your wife sits quietly by on her leash.

The movie is kind of interesting for the set design, cast and grotesqueries but if you want a truly excellent portayal of the mad emperor see the 1973 BBC series, I Claudius. Now THAT is a brilliant production. I watched all 13 episodes in 2 days. Then watched them all again a year later.